Should You Live By Acquiescence
or By Agreement?

Dictionary definition of acquiesce: verb - to assent tacitly; submit or comply silently or without protest.

How often do we “acquiesce” to something in total silence without actually “agreeing” to partake in the particular task? And, how often are we aware of what we have just done?

We think that when we really mean “no” but we say “yes” or “okay” that we have not legitimately made a decision to do something and that we can back out at any point without any repercussions or consequences.

As far as I am concerned, everything in life is an agreement or everything we do is by agreement.

• We agree to work for numeration.
• We agree to enter into marriage or relationship by mutual consensus and on certain terms.
• We agree to have difficult or pleasant conversations.
• We agree to give of ourselves when required.
• We agree to make ourselves available for appointments and engagements.
• We agree to conduct ourselves in a certain manner in certain situations.
• Etc…

We make these agreements with ourselves and with others.

I want to discuss this subtle, yet important distinction between these two ‘contracts’ of living by acquiescence or by agreement because choosing one can impact and determine an outcome as well as our attitude and commitment to a task, an event or a life-changing decision.

Imagine half-heartedly and silently acquiescing to something that you are doubtful of. To top it all, you have this uneasy feeling in your gut just as the rest of your entire being (body and mind) is screaming ‘NO’! Still, you proceed by nodding your head, saying yes or shaking on the deal without too much protest or noise.

Have you ever done so and if you have, what were the circumstances and consequences of your decision? I am sure you had every legal and legitimate reason/s or substantiation to justify your momentarily decision.

Saying yes but meaning or living a ‘no’ or a ‘I don’t know’

I know that saying ‘yes’ but really meaning “I do not know or I am not really sure” at the time could have meant that:

• You did not want to hurt someone’s feelings.
• You thought it may work out for the best in the end.
• You felt uncertain and yet strangely excited at what ‘could be or become’ of this.
• You were blissfully and ignorantly and completely unaware of the outcome or consequences of your ‘then’ decision.
• You had no idea what you were letting yourself in for.
• Or any other reason that you could think of.

So, let us look at what a real agreement entails and what it requires from us.

Firstly, an agreement is usually something that is agreed upon by you; either with yourself or with another party or several parties. Secondly, and the one reason most people dismiss is that making an agreement is exciting, nerve wracking and requires risk! There needs to be a reason to make an agreement or to agree to something.

Real agreements:

• Are agreed to verbally, by handshake or could be in writing if they are more formal.
• Can imply (also not) that you had sufficient time to do your homework, research and due diligence before the agreement is made.
• Require consensus by all parties before proceeding.
• Require clarity - you need to know what you are doing and getting involved in, what the risks are and how much you are required and prepared to do.
• Have consequences when they are reneged upon or broken even if it is informal and agreed between friends or a partner.
• Require commitment from you to be fully engaged even when the going gets tough.
• Require you to follow through in spite of difficult circumstances or the people involved.
• Require you to stay involved for the duration of that agreement until it is completed in full.
• Do not depend on ‘how’ or ‘what’ you think or feel today and/or how that may change tomorrow.
• Are serious enough for it to be a deal-breaking situation when reneged upon.
• Require action and sometimes hard work for them to come to fruition.
• Do not give you permission to complain relentlessly about the uncomfortable situation you find yourself in.
• Require you to obtain permission to be released from that agreement if it no longer serves you or when all other means have been exhausted before you are released.

To understand how to be released from an agreement, please read my article on: how to say sorry. Being released from an agreement is serious business and needs to be taken seriously by all involved.

So how does an agreement differ from living by acquiescence? It differs vastly! Most of us, far too often acquiesce all too silently to something (with someone) without any real thought of what we are doing or meaning what we say. We acquiesce to really important things or situations like moving to another country, having a family, embarking on a new relationship or changing careers without really giving it enough thought or time before making that commitment. And yes, even acquiescing without clarity or surety is also a commitment.

What does this result in?

It results in you saying ‘yes’ and living by ‘no’, i.e. a half-baked attempt of living your life which requires an enormous amount of ‘trying’ to make something work that you didn’t really agree with or agree to. That is nothing but hard work!

And where it leaves us, is with a decision that ultimately leaves us empty, feeling uncomfortable, probably unhappy and uneasy with the state of things. Before too long, we start complaining about our situation, or worse, we say nothing whilst we become resentful or blame someone else for our miserable predicament or even worse, we live life by half measures.

By the time we wake up to what we have done, we may already have started that new business or migrated to another country and there is not much left for us to do except “getting on with it”, i.e. we are forced to live out our big fat “NO” and it makes us perform poorly with a display of all sorts of questionable behaviour. Futhermore, we learn to make up awful excuses to escape our trap in order to get out of the commitment we silently acquiesced to. We even fake a sickness or make up a lie if that is what it will take to get us off the hook. Sound familiar to you?

A friendly reminder of the types of agreements:

• Dinner parties or social events are also agreements.
• A date with someone is an agreement.
• Doctor’s (or any other vendor) appointments are also agreements.
• Being faithful is an agreement.
• Marriage is an agreement.
• Relationships are an agreement.
• Conducting your marriage or relationship as by agreement with your partner is a serious agreement not to be taken lightly or for you to change the status without permission.
• Roles or tasks within a relationship is an agreement too!Going to work (on time) every day is an agreement.
• Raising children or pets are agreements.

Can you think of any others?

Living out a big ‘no’ is not easy and it doesn’t lead to living a full life which inspires us to be our best or give our utmost.

So before you, too hastily (next time) acquiesce (with a big smile) to something you feel unsure of, unclear about, uneasy or very euphoric about or you have not had enough time to research or talk over with someone, I would strongly caution you to take that leap; the very one you may later regret.

Living life fully with no regrets and with integrity means that we are always clear about what we want and therefore agree to, that we are prepared and happy to commit to our agreements and that we ALWAYS follow through to completion in order to experience the thrills that the fruits of our labour bear!

Tagged as: acquiescence, agreements, attitude, commitment, consequences, decisions, integrity, living, regret, relationships