How to Say Sorry

by ants

How do you say that you are sorry when you have botched up a situation, any situation? It can be a major or catastrophic event or a minor argument or disagreement which caused hurt or pain and thus feelings of regret for you and/or for someone else. Often these feelings can haunt us for years and cause us an enormous amount of discomfort and even shame.

There are probably a thousand different reasons or situations for wanting to redeem yourself or to end the loss of pain of someone else, such as:

You said something really mean and nasty and now you are enormously regretful
You were late (even for one minute) for an important meeting or dinner which was really important to the other party
You dumped someone unashamedly and now you want to apologise for your behaviour or you want them back?
You cheated on someone and they found out
You cheated on someone and they haven’t found out
You said things behind someone’s back that you regret
You made a promise that you broke
You said you would do something but didn’t do it
You promised to have something ready in time but you are either late in delivering it or miss your deadline altogether
You missed an appointment altogether without calling to apologise
You agreed to something you knew you didn’t want to do from the outset and then you delayed or avoided doing it
You said ‘yes’, when you meant ‘no’
You harmed someone physically, e.g. you slapped someone in the heat of the moment
You fobbed someone off for no real reason
You neglected someone
You had an accident which caused pain or injury to someone else
You were absent from something for a while which really required your attention
You lived your life with reckless abandon and feel regret for some of the things you did and said back then
You had an argument which resulted in pain for someone
You missed a special occasion which was meaningful and important to someone else
You made a promise to yourself (e.g. get fit or lose 5kg’s) and broke the promise or shifted the goal posts
You do not make enough effort with others nor with yourself
You are frequently rude and impatient and you want to stop and make up for your bad behaviour
You acted in a way (intentionally or unintentionally) that caused harm to someone else (emotionally or mentally)
You make fun of someone when you know it hurts them
You ’set someone up’ or prepare a trap to show up their inadequacies or lack of skills in a situation
You intentionally withhold information from someone or from many people
You lie or have lied

What happens if or when you do not redeem yourself or say sorry in any of the above scenarios? A few things may occur…

You don’t get closure on a situation and therefore cannot move on from it
Your thoughts are permanently occupied by that situation which drains your energy (even whilst asleep)
You are no longer ‘present’ to life and what it has to offer but instead feel overwhelmed by your thoughts and by the past
You become forgetful and scatter-brained
You carry on with this negative or regretful behaviour which leads you towads a downward spiral and eventual depression
You may find yourself always living in the past
You remain connected to that person without being able to break free
You are always drifting away in thought whilst in conversation with someone
You think or say things like: “I wish I had…” or “I wish I hadn’t…” or you find yourself thinking or saying “If only…” a lot!

So is saying ’sorry’ simply enough? If or when you have behaved in a way or said something you regret, does simply saying “I’m sorry” cut it? You tell me.

When you have hurt someone beyond tears, do you really think that saying ’sorry’ is going to right the wrong or make either you or them feel any better about the situation? I am afraid not!

Why not?

Saying sorry when you are late, unfortunately does not change the fact that you are late, nor do the reasons WHY you are late. In fact the reasons why are secondary and why not spare that person your explanation or drama? Fact is, you are still late and have therefore caused an inconvenience to someone which could be perceived as being disrespectful, inconsiderate or selfish. Similarly, the same applies when you have cheated on someone. Unfortunately that person does not care for the reasons why you cheated, but rather THAT you did it. Simply saying “I’m sorry” isn’t going to get your off the hook nor repair the damage caused.

So is there really an effective way of how to say sorry?

Yes, there certainly is and if you follow this method in both simple and complex situations, you are guaranteed results. You will feel instant relief and instantly break the energy that this situation or person has held over you until this point.

How to Say Sorry:

Step One:
Ask that person for their forgiveness E.g. I ask forgiveness for… cheating on your or being late or not delivering the report your requested in time…

Now, wait for them to forgive you! If they do not, you will have to continue asking for their forgiveness (which can take years) until they are ready to do so.

Step Two:
Make a new commitment to resolve this issue and to change the outcome of the future. (This is an opportunity for you to truly redeem yourself and to become free!) E.g. I will not be late in future for meetings or from now on I will arrive 10 minutes early for meetings or I promise never to cheat on you ever again…

Wait for their acknowledgement. And it may not come easily or readily especially if your own integrity is rather shaky in this department. Stand your ground, mean what you say and be authentic in the promise you are making for the future.

Step Three:
Ask what you can do to make up for the damage caused or loss suffered. E.g. What can I do to make up for the damage caused or the loss you have or may have suffered?

This is where you wait for them to request something from you.

A note: What they request from you at this point may be totally unreasonable (dependent on the damage caused and the amount of charged energy involved). However, this may be your only and last opportunity to free yourself once and for all and to break the connection with this incompletion. I would highly recommend that you deliver upon their request no matter how difficult or unreasonable.

There are some exceptions to this above three-step process as well as some other scenarios that require the same three-step process E.g. If you cannot deliver on their request or you have no alternative but to cancel an important meeting with someone (and therefore need to break your commitment or promise) or you want to perform the three-step process with yourself or you have an emergency to handle which changes the scenery or outcome.

If you are interested in knowing in more detail how to deal with these scenarios or how to deal with a very difficult final request from someone or when dealing with someone who refuses to forgive you, drop me an mail and we will discuss it.